Comments By:  Katherine Elizabeth MacIntyre

If you are like me, you spent a lot of time analyzing your relationship with your mother.  In my case, I never understood why my mother didn't love me.  As an adult, I can now see my mother for the person she really is.  My mother is independent, self centered and lacking that maternal gene required for a satisfying motherhood.  It was obvious to everyone in my family that my mother should never have married, let alone have children.  She was miserable married; she was miserable being a mother. 

Children need love from both their father and their mother.  When you don't receive that love, it leaves a hole in your heart.  As a child, you internalize that neglect as a personal flaw, for certainly, all parents love their children.  Especially mothers.  This of course, is not true.  Not all women are maternal; not all women find joy in their children.

As a society, we need to stop putting pressure on women to have children.  If a woman doesn't want a child, she should not have a child.  The preconceived notion that all women are maternal, that all women long for a family, is an antiquated thought process that is no longer valid.  There are women who are  happy single; who are happy childless; who are happy with a career.  Those women should be allowed to thrive in the environment that best suits them. 

Although feeling unloved was devastating, I still have empathy for my mother.  She was forced to play a role she was never designed to play.  Motherhood robbed her of her dreams; leaving her feeling empty.  My mother envisioned herself living a life of self indulgence, which is what she craved.  Instead, she was in a loveless marriage and forced to raise children that she viewed as a burden.  My mother's unhappiness spread like wild fire, engulfing all of us with her discontent. 

I on the other hand have enjoyed motherhood.  For me, motherhood is my greatest accomplishment in my life.  All other successes I may have achieved come second.  But that is me.  That is not and has never been my mother's thought process.  My mother graduated top in her class when other women never even considered the idea of going to college.  My mother was quite rightfully, very proud of her academic accomplishments.  Had she not felt pressure to marry, to have children, she would have lived a very rich, rewarding life as a career woman.

My hope for women today, is that we are free to make the life choices that best meet our needs.  That we can forge careers as single women if we choose, without society telling us there is something wrong with us.  Or that women who are maternal, have the opportunity to raise their children on the home front, without being seen as less intelligent or capable as working women.  That to me is what the women's movement has been about.  Giving women the opportunity to be true to themselves, so that they can live gratifying, rewarding and productive lives.


Question:  Are you contented in the life you chose, or did you feel forced to marry and have children?  If you could start over anew, what would you do differently?